(607):

The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling

(209):

I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.

(860):

I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day

(519):

You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear