(413):

Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday

(647):

We're like a dynamic duo.

(1-647):

Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.

[Citizens of Holly Heights, you’re probably going through your day of shenanigans and work (twerk) and such peacefully, blissfully unaware of what is to come while you high hoe off to work or school- until somewhere in the distance there’s a mild explosion that pierces the air.

That blurp in your routine hails from the address of 1469, and if you are in that area or you’re curious as to what the hell is going on now you will see a gorilla. Or wait, no its definitely- probably, a man. He lays in a small crater, unmoving, his eyes glazed in shock and pain. But all of a sudden he rises like a Zombrow (but thankfully he shaves, tyvfm), tattered clothes whipping heroically through the breeze as he stands, opens his mouth and speaks-

I SAW EDO’S MOST WANTED’S PORK SWOOOOORRRDDD! I WON’T BE ABLE TO WEAR A WHITE GARTER BELT ON MY WEDDING DAY NOOOOOOOW! WHAT WILL OTAE-SAN TAKE OFF WITH HER TEETH NOW?! WHAT, I ASK YOU!!!!

[Once he’s done swaying around and wiping his nose with the back of his hand, he seems to realize the Real Dire Situation that’s landed in his bathroom and puts on his Chief Face]

Oh right! CITIZENS OF THIS…RETIREMENT….? HOME! I ASSURE YOU THAT WHILE I DO NOT HAVE TO DO MY BUSINESS IN A BAG except that one ti-…those two times I HAVE NEWS THAT IS MOST RELEVANT TO YOUR PENSIONS! I HAVE SIGHTED A WANTED TERRORIST FROM THE CITY OF EDO, A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL WHO DEFIES THE LAWS OF ETHICS AND SPLIT ENDS! HE IS VERY ARMED AND VERY VIOLENT! YOU ARE IN VERY REAL DANGER! THIS IS NOT A FIRE DRILL!

[He idly wonders when the ringing in his ears and lightheadedness will go away, but there is more important work to be done. Yes, he really is turning this way and that, shouting this warning at passersby. He cuts a dramatic, if not hysterical figure as he twists and turns- until ones’ eyes meet his back side and the very real issue of the missing back of his pants and most of one pant leg is apparent. The majority of the ass of the pants has been blown. Dat ass. Get a real good look.]

THANKS TO MY SKILLS AND CAREFUL PLANNING I HAVE CAPTURED HIM, BUT HIS ALLIES MIGHT BE LAYING IN WAIT! SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND COULD SOMEONE PATCH ME IN TO THE POLICE FORCE HERE? THAT IS ALL! HAVE A GOOD DAY, AND MAKE SURE TO HAVE SOME CALCIUM FOR LUNCH!

[Satisfied with his work, Kondo Isao, Commander of the Shinsengumi, crosses his arms over his chest and gazes into the horizon, so many thoughts swirling through his mind.] Man, there sure is a nice breeze in this place! It feels refreshing, yet odd. I never thought the wind could blow there while I was clothed….