(516):

No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.

(937):

I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.

(407):

If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.

(512):

Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.

(856):

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

(781):

I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about