(248):

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

(727):

She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.

(828):

I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers

(614):

If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now

(440):

You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.